Players Only Meeting

by TCCNN Reporter Jordan Cobb

Updated on 12/6/17 at 3:30 PM

In a shocking and somewhat confusing announcement this morning, team spokesperson Amber Mathis announced that the Fightin’ Reformers held a players only meeting on Monday night immediately following their win over Fairview. The confusion surrounds the timing of the meeting. The Reformers are only two games into their grueling 10-game season, with a record of 1-1. This would appear to be a decent start to the season, but sources say the team is irate. Due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, all players asked to remain anonymous in their quotes.

“Honestly, I’m a little upset it took this long to hold a players only meeting. I mean, after our effort during that first game I was ready to retire,” said one player who declined to give his age. When asked about the atmosphere of the meeting, one player reported, “It was very intense. One guy lost an arm, and another lost his religion. It was ugly. I haven’t seen anger like that since my Aunt Belinda had her casserole dish stolen a number of years ago.” Another player mentioned, “One guy took a potshot at coach and called him ‘LaPetite,’ which caused coach to throw one of Randy Pifer’s shoes at the guy, and that actually injured him, so we’ll be without him next game. It doesn’t matter, though, really, because his shooting percentage is terrible.” It was not immediately clear if the injury was due to contact with the shoe or simply from the smell of it.

Another player reported that an issue that came up repeatedly in the meeting was whether or not the team should implement a strict steroid regime for the team. The team was reportedly split about the issue. After obtaining a scratch piece of paper from the room where the meeting was held, we can definitively report that Mathis and Carson were not in favor of the use of steroids. Their decision was, presumably, influenced by their pastoral obligations.

At press time, sources confirmed that multiple players would boycott the remainder of the season if the team didn’t quickly turn around their lukewarm 1-1 start to the season. One player said, “We’re used to being all-stars around here. We have fans. We have our own jerseys. This lose-a-game, win-a-game nonsense has to go. Do you think the 90's Bulls or 80's Lakers would have put up with this? No. And we won’t either.” TCC's public media liaison Karla Simpson declined to further comment on the chaos surrounding TCC's Athletic Department.